<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 14, 2003.)</em><br />It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that uses simple, "jargon-free" terminology that even an idiot like you can grasp; the column that shows you how to "take command" of your personal computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 27, 2002.)</em><br /> Gather 'round, boys and girls, because today Uncle Dave is going to tell you how to have some real ''old-fashioned'' Halloween fun! Start by gathering these materials: a commercial air compressor, an acetylene torch, a marine flare gun and 200 pounds of boiled pig brains. Next, select a neighbor who ... Whoops! Scratch that, boys and girls!

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug.18, 2002.) </em><br />The U.S. Army is developing a new Combat Sandwich. Really. Army food technicians say this sandwich can remain edible, without refrigeration, for three years. Granted, that's nowhere near the staying power of those $4.50 hot dogs they sell at airports, some of which have been rotating on their grills since the Lindbergh flight. But it's still impressive.

<i>(This column was originally published Oct. 21, 2001.) </i><br />This is the time of year when Americans make a sincere effort to care about the World Series, which determines which baseball team will be the champion of the entire world, except for the part of the world located outside the United States and southeastern Canada.

<i>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 4, 2003.)</i><br />Almost the first thing that happened to me when I moved to South Florida was that I got attacked by a fire ant. This was my own stupid fault: I sat on my lawn.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 20, 2003.) </em><br /> Before I get to today's topic (''Worms Making News''), I want to apologize to those readers, both human and elf, who were unhappy with my column on ''The Lord of the Rings.''

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 23, 2003.)</em><br />I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I look like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.)

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 18, 2004.)</em><br /> Whenever I write about art, I get mail from the Serious Art Community informing me that I am a clueless idiot. So let me begin by stipulating that I am a clueless idiot. This is probably why I was unable to appreciate a work of art I viewed recently, titled: ''Chair.''

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 18, 2004.)</em><br /> Whenever I write about art, I get mail from the Serious Art Community informing me that I am a clueless idiot. So let me begin by stipulating that I am a clueless idiot. This is probably why I was unable to appreciate a work of art I viewed recently, titled: ''Chair.''

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 27, 2003.)</em><br /> Good news: It's not my fault about the Cheez-Its.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 17, 2003.)</em><br /> We have come to the time of year when we remove the video-game controls-by surgery, if necessary-from the hands of our children, and send them back to school. And if they complain that school is a boring waste of time, we smack them firmly yet lovingly with a roofing timber and remind them of the words of our first president, Benjamin Franklin, who said: ``There is nothing more valuable in life than an education, except, of course, money or a nice car.''

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 25, 2004.)</em><br />Things are tense in our house. Our daughter is about to turn 4, which means we have to hold a birthday party, which means my wife is, at the moment, insane.

<p/>This is a special time of year, as expressed so poetically in the lyrics to the haunting song <em>Summertime</em> from <em>Porgy and Bess</em>: <br /> <p/><em>Summertime, and the livin' is easy <br /> Fish are jumpin'<br /> And gettin' lodged in the throats of fisherpersons</em>

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 25, 2003.)</em><br /> Summer vacation season is here, and if you have kids, you know what that means! It's time to put them up for adoption.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 2, 2003)</em><br /> Every year, as we enter wedding season, I go to the bookstore and pick up a bridal magazine. Then I crumple to the floor with lower-back spasms, because during wedding season, bridal magazines achieve roughly the same mass as Kirstie Alley. They have hundreds of pages of advertisements and articles designed to help the bride, as she gets ready for her Special Day, go completely insane.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 9, 2003.)</em><br />Just when you think all the great ideas have been thought of, scientists dream up a concept so radical, so innovative, that you wonder if they've been smoking reefers the size of Yule logs.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 29, 2002.)</em><br /> I used to be a party animal. If there was a party, I was there, and I did not leave until it was over. Even then, I did not always leave. Sometimes the people who threw the party, if they wanted to get rid of me, had to move.