<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 6, 2003.)</em><br />People always ask me: ''Is it hard to be a professional writer like you and Joyce Carol Oates?'' Yes. Very hard. Here is a true example of the kind of difficulties we face: The other day, I was in sitting at my desk in my home office, doing what I do all day, which is frown at my computer screen and wrestle with professional writing issues, such as: ''Do I have anything to say about this topic?'' And: ''What, exactly, IS this topic?''

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 15, 2000.) </em><br />According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home.

The other day, The Miami Herald ran a story concerning a 73-year-old motorist who was stopped by police. This in itself is not remarkable. The streets of Miami-Dade County are teeming with motorists who should be stopped by police.

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 2000.) Recently, I had a great idea while waiting on hold for Customer Service.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.) </em><br />On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better.<p/>When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase our profits.'' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.

S o I've been hanging out with Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston. Really. We were at this major party in South Miami the other night. It went for more than five hours, with people and drinks everywhere. Owen and Jen were great. They had a baby. In fact, over the course of the evening they had three babies, because there were problems with the first two.

So I've been hanging out with Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston. Really. We were at this major party in South Miami the other night. It went for more than five hours, with people and drinks everywhere. Owen and Jen were great. They had a baby. In fact, over the course of the evening they had three babies, because there were problems with the first two.

Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.)</em><br />It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash.

Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 11, 2002.)</em><br />Today we present: Laundry Tips for Guys. Many guys have trouble with laundry, because of the technical complexity involved. Even a very ''high-tech'' guy, a guy who can build a working nuclear submarine using only staples, is reluctant to attempt to do laundry, because there are so many variables: You have your lights and your darks, of course, but you also have your stripes, some of which could be delicates, or even hand-washables, not to mention your bleach and your fabric softener, and of course all your washer/dryer options:

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 29, 2001.)</em><br /> I received a letter from a reader named Dick Demers, who relates a shocking story:<br /> It seems Dick and his wife had driven a long distance to visit his wife's sister. To refresh himself, Dick went into the guest bathroom, took a shower, then dried himself off. That's the story. Pretty shocking, huh? <br /><br /> Dick's wife thought so. She was horrified.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 31, 2000.) </em><br /><br />Today's topic for homeowners is: how to install a tile floor. <br />Any home decorator will tell you that there is nothing quite like a tile floor for transforming an ordinary room into an ordinary room that has tile on the floor. But if you're like most homeowners, you think that laying tile is a job for the ''pros.'' Boy, are you ever stupid! Because the truth is that anybody can do it! All it takes is a little planning, the right materials and a Fire Rescue unit.

I got to thinking about the Florida primary election mess the other night when I was watching TV with my wife. Actually, she was reading a book, because she hates the way I watch TV. I follow Standard Guy Remote Control Procedure (SGRCP), which requires you go to the next channel the instant that the current channel commits one of the Deadly Channel Sins, such as showing a commercial, or people redecorating a house, or Howie Mandel.

I got to thinking about the Florida primary election mess the other night when I was watching TV with my wife. Actually, she was reading a book, because she hates the way I watch TV.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 29, 2000.)</em><br /> There has never been a TV series where the animal hero was a bat. Why not? Why couldn't Lassie have been a bat? There could have been an episode wherein Lassie and her young master, Timmy, are frolicking around the farm, with Lassie playfully catching insects for Timmy via sonar, when suddenly ... UH-oh! Timmy is caught in the quicksand!

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 16, 2003.)</em><br /> I have here a shocking letter from a person named ''Julia,'' who openly admits to being a woman. It concerns laundry.

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 11, 2001.)</em><br /> Get out the cocktail wieners and settle back for a pleasant ''read,'' because it's time for our fun feature, ''Body Parts Making the News.''

<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 12, 2000.)</em><br />Today we present: Masculine Medical News For Men. Our first item concerns what could be the most significant medical discovery for men since the invention of the electric nose-hair trimmer. According to an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Shirley Damiano, researchers at the University of Chicago have discovered that -- and here, to indicate the importance of this breakthrough, we will activate our keyboard's ''Caps Lock'' feature -- MEN NEED SLEEP.

OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.